Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
