I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
