I just pynch a tree in the face
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
