Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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