I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
