I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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