Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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