If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
