why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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