the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
either way he was missing a nipple.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
