youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
