Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
