Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
