Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
