I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
