I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
