I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
