Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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