Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.