how can u be prego again
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
