At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?