saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.