we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
