I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
