I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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