She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Pooping to opera.
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