Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
