Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
