1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
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He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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