Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dick very happy bro
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
