haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
