i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
