sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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