Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
