Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
