Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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