today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
