Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
