yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
