does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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