I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
