Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
