Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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