I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize