Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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