Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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