I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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