i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
