y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
