I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
