he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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