i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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