I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
