You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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