she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
