look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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