don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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