I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
