i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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