you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
