..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
