I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize